Night of the Sentinels Part Two

So we're back where we left off.

The X-Men are breaking into the Mutant Control Agency because they're behind the evil, mutant-napping Sentinel robots.

Storm, Wolverine, Beast and Morph are doing the actual burglarizing while Cyclops, Rogue and Gambit wait outside.

"Wait, a minute?" you say. "I know my X-Men. I've heard of Wolverine and Cyclops and Storm and the rest of them, but who the hell is Morph?"

See that guy who can't even walk through a freaking door without hurting himself? That's Morph. He's loosely based on the comic book character Changeling.

In the comics, Professor X had Changeling pose as him for awhile. During that time, Changeling died and everyone freaked out because they thought he was Professor X.

Professor X came back later and was all like, "It's OK. I understand someone died, but that person wasn't me so it's all right."

The moral of the story:

In television -- much as in the comics -- Morph exists as cannon fodder.

In fact, he'll be dead in about eight paragraphs; so don't get attached.

Shouldn't be difficult.

Back in the Mutant Control Agency, Storm's about to open a door with guards behind it.

Either these guards are standing very close together or someone is holding three guns.

But Wolverine smells gun powder so Storm adjusts her tactics.

Meanwhile, outside, the other X-Men fight anonymously evil henchmen who look like Samus from Metroid.

Beneath the layers of body armor is a pretty blonde.

Storm's team finds the files on mutants and starts to destroy them.

Way to contribute, Morph.

Beast's job is to destroy the computer files. When Storm tells him to hurry up, Beast replies, "Though I am always in haste, I am never in a hurry."

He's quoting John Wesley, a Christian theologian and one of the founders of the Methodist movement. But want to know what's crazy about that?

That's right. John Wesley's a mutant.

Storm isn't amused by Beast's quote and decides to spur him along.

You know you're long-winded when STORM tells you to quit monologuing.

With the files destroyed, the X-Men try to escape. However, they are stifled by some guards and a scuffle ensues.

During the melee, Rogue has an interesting interaction with one of the guards.

First, an Afro-American guard with black hair begins to topple from a sentry tower toward the ground.

So Rogue catches him.

The flight scares him so much that his hair changes color.

By the time Rogue drops the guard on the ground he's a white guy with red hair.

So in addition to super-strength, flight, invulnerability and the ability to drain people's life force, Rogue can also turn black people white.

Maybe that's what happened to Sammy Sosa.

The X-Men have the guards beat, but then their reinforcements show up.

Their enormous robot reinforcements.

The Sentinels dead Morph with one shot; and, while we don't see the kill shot, we do see what the Sentinels do to Beast...

This is the stuff of nightmares.

And what they do to Wolverine.

In short, the X-Men are getting their collective asses whipped, so Cyclops orders for them to retreat.

Wolverine disagrees with this command decision. Despite the fact he just got chucked like a Frisbee, Wolverine thinks they should go back for Beast and Morph.

When Cyclops refuses, Wolverine decides to go back by himself.

However, if you remember our X-Men Power Rankings, Wolverine falls somewhere between Gambit and a tree branch when it comes to fighting acumen; so it only takes one touch from Rogue to drop him.

I wonder if Wolverine also looked like Ron Weasley when Rogue was finished.

The X-Men return home -- sans Beast and Morph -- and Wolverine tries to find an appropriate way to express his disappointment with team leader, Cyclops.

The greatest GIF in X-Men history.

Not finished, Wolverine decides to pimp Cyclops' ride.

"Tell Cyclops I made him a convertible."

While Wolverine broods, we find out what's been happening with Jubilee since she was kidnapped last episode.

It's not good. She's been kidnapped by the evil, Sentinel-making bigots behind the Mutant Control Agency. And it gets worse.

She's in Detroit.

(I apologize for that lazy and unfair shot at Detroit. I love both the city and its people. Detroit is America and to mock its struggles is to lack empathy for an entire country of struggling blue-collar workers. Screw the Red Wings though.)

Cyclops realizes that he has failed his team, so he hatches a new plan to rescue Jubilee and avenge his lost teammates.

He begins by visiting Jubilee's foster parents. They are surprised that Jubilee has been kidnapped by Sentinels, even though the robots punched a hole in the second story of their home during the last episode.

Seriously, what did they think made this hole?

Not realizing the Mutant Control Agency is evil, Jubilee's foster father calls them and says another mutant has been asking about Jubilee.

Consequently, a Sentinel shows up. But this time Cyclops is ready.

Is it just me or is Cyclops a lot cooler since Wolverine made him a convertible?

He damages the Sentinel, which goes back to its headquarters for repairs; and the X-Men follow it on their radar.

Radar, puddle -- whatever.

This damaged Sentinel is the Morph of robots; because it too cannot handle something as simple as entering a room.

"It looks like smooth sailing from here."

The mechanical failure allows Jubilee to escape her cell and gives the X-Men the distraction they need to attack.

And they waste little time getting their revenge.

This might be Storm's greatest moment. She electrocutes the loving spoonful out of a half dozen Sentinels and doesn't stop once to explain what she's doing.

Meanwhile, Rogue demonstrates the proper technique for a hip-tossing a 30-foot robot.

Even Gambit contributes.

In a sleazy uncle kind of way.

So while Storm, Rogue and Cyclops are blasting through legions of robots and Gambit is skeezing on a barely pubescent girl, Wolverine takes down a single Sentinel.

Just one.

And, while he's doing it, he screams, "This is for you, Morph!"

"Not you, Beast, just Morph."

That's the equivalent of a third stringer doing an elaborate touchdown dance in the fourth quarter after the starters have already run up the score.

You really want to do something for Morph? Punch Cyclops again.

Next time, use your claws.

So the X-Men trounce the Sentinels and rescue Jubilee. And, to top it all of, the Mutant Control Agency loses its government funding and decides to relocate overseas.

The funding thing happened in an entirely different plot line that I didn't feel the need to recap, because it didn't involve Cyclops getting punched.

Afterward, Jubilee tells her foster parents that she wants to move in with the X-Men, because they can help her with her mutant powers.

"Also, mom, I kinda made out with a 32-year-old Cajun guy."

Her foster parents ask if she'll ever visit them and she promises she will.

And that was the last we ever saw of Jubilee's foster parents.

That's the story of how Jubilee moved into the X-Mansion.

A house that gets attacked so often they put a target on the freakin' door.

I conclude this recap with a montage of X-Men reacting to Morph's death.

 

This was my reaction too, Rogue.

X-Men: The Animated Series -- The Title Sequence.

 You probably found this blog out of a sense of nostalgia. (Either that or you got lost on your way to the pornography.)

Somebody said, "I go where I want to go," and a wave of memories washed over you, forcing you to Google things like "X-Men cartoon," "Wolverine quotes" or "Gambit does not make TV dinners." But not "Morlock Christmas." Never "Morlock Christmas."

Never forget.

And it brought you here.

So you think, "I watched the cartoon as a kid. I have a passing familiarity with X-Men lore. I'm ready for the heavily annotated version of X-Men: The Animated Series."

But you're not.

I mean, we're dealing with some profound stuff here. We're talking layers on layers on layers. So before we get into "Night of the Sentinels" or that one episode where Jubilee spends that whole time complaining, you should consider the title sequence.

You may start humming the theme song now.

In 1992, this was pretty much my introduction to the X-Men. (I may have had some trading cards first. The timeline is fuzzy. I think I owned the cards first, but why would I buy the cards without the cartoon to indoctrinate me?)

So, basically, I was dependent on the title sequence to explain to me who the X-Men were and what they could do.

And, boy, did it steer me wrong.

This title sequence is a House of Lies -- a ridiculously awesome House of Lies.

We open with some establishing shots of Rogue and Storm flying alongside the Blackbird. The takeaway for a 7-year-old kid: These are the X-Men. Two of them can fly. So far, so good.

But then things started get confusing when we got to the typical roll call.

Your reaction when they cancelled Firefly.

First we meet Cyclops. The title sequence accurately displays him as shooting blasty things out of his eyes. But it also shows him being all tortured and alone on a mountaintop.

I hope you like this mountaintop, because you're going to see a lot of it.

So one could rationally assume from this imagery that Cyclops is some kind of angsty badass. Except he's not. He's a pedantic older brother mixed with an office dullard.

It would be more accurate to show him shuffling through paperwork, chastising Jubilee for running in the halls or explaining garbage-disposal etiquette to Beast.

 

Speaking of angsty badasses...

This is Wolverine. He's the reason that 90 percent of you are here. You already know his spiel -- big claws, heals fast, likes beer, goes where he wants to go.

And according to this title sequence, he shoots electricity from his claws.

Maybe I was an especially stupid child -- there is abundant evidence for this -- but I assumed that, because he did it at the beginning of every X-Men episode, Wolverine could generate wavy sparkle lines from his claws.

This got me in trouble on the playground a couple of times. A group of kids would be playing X-Men -- if you've never played playground X-Men, it's just a bunch of kids pretending to punch each other and screaming, "No, I'm Wolverine" -- and I'd be Wolverine (like every other kid) and I'd shoot electricity at some other Wolverine.

Then Other Wolverine would be like, "You can't shoot electricity. You can't be Wolverine and Storm."

And I'd be like, "Wolverine can do it to. It's in the cartoon."

So then we'd have to convene The Playground X-Men Caucus (also known as The Council of Wolverines and, maybe, One Rogue if Jessica Feels Like Playing Today) to discuss if the cartoon precedent withheld scrutiny.

(Like most playground games, X-Men was surprisingly bureaucratic and ended in caucuses far more often than melees.)

Ultimately, I was found to be in the wrong and received a demerit, meaning that I would have to be Gambit the next time we played. (The ultimate punishment was Professor X. You just sat there and thought really hard while the other kids ignored you.)

And we're back on the mountaintop.

This is Storm. She makes it rain on these hoes.

This is also the only time you'll see her use her powers without an explanatory monologue.

Who wears a belt with a bodysuit?

This is Rogue. If you are a heterosexual male, homosexual female or a bisexual either, you probably had a crush on her. (If you are a homosexual male or a heterosexual female, you probably still had a crush on Rogue.)

And what makes Rogue so appealing? The beguiling Southern accent? The headband? The skunk streak in her hair?

Yes, and --

That's right. She single-handedly busts up three-story robots. She's a beautiful bruiser -- like Wonder Woman with better hair and a less strippery costume. (Well, depending on who is drawing her.)

And -- seriously, guys -- did you see that headband?

This is Jubilee. While Rogue can destroy brobdingnagian robots by her lonesome, Jubilee is stymied by a fence.

That is all you need to know about Jubilee.

This man does not make TV dinners.

This is Gambit. You'd assume from the above photo that he can fly.

You'd be wrong. Remember, the title sequence is a lie.

Instead, Gambit can make playing cards explode with his hands. Actually, he can make anything explode just by touching it, but he always chooses to use playing cards; because what's the point of turning basketballs into bombs when you can carry around cards and make bad puns about them all the time?

All the freaking time!

Jean Grey's power is triangle.

You thought Jubilee was going to have the worst codename right?

Nope, there's Jean Grey. The sad thing is that's still a step up from her former nom de guerre of Marvel Girl.

She does stuff with her brain, but her most important function is that of the third point in a love triangle with Cyclops and Wolverine.

Wolverine's better looking but Cyclops has better credit.

Yeah, who could choose, right?

If he'd just finished that last semester, he could have been Dr. X.

I understand that telepathy is difficult to depict visually, but what is Professor X doing here. Using echolocation?

So Professor Xavier the leader of the X-Men. You can tell because they're named after him. If Cyclops were the leader, they'd be called the Eye Guys; Jubilee, the Mallrats; Jean Grey, something overly literal like Group of Colleagues who each Have a Genetic Mutation that Imbued them with Unusual and Unique Abilities that Are Sometimes Employed in the Thwarting of Evil.

That's everybody on the team... wait. What? I forgot Beast?

This is Beast. He needs glasses to read.

The title sequence ends with a symbolic game of Red Rover between the X-Men and the evil mutants led by Magneto.

Magneto was right

First, let's see the sequence in real time.

Now, let's break down the play by play.

Wait? Are they making Mystique play Red Rover in heels?

This is the villains' defensive line. It's comprised mostly of recognizable X-Men foes. In addition to Magneto, they are (from left to right) Juggernaut, Thunderbird, some pink guy, Pyro, Mystique, Sabretooth and Avalanche.

However, there's some oddities here. First off, Thunderbird's not a bad guy in the comics (or any other depiction of the X-Men.)

He's an Apache who got recruited by the X-Men around the same time as Wolverine and Storm but soon thereafter died saving his teammates from the U-Men. (I have no idea what the "U" stands for and I refuse to check.)

So Thunderbird just got downgraded from heroic martyr to nameless lackey in a title sequence.

And that's still better than most depictions of Native Americans in entertainment.

Never forget.

Also I have no clue who that pink guy is.

On closer examination, Mystique seems to be playing in ballet slippers.

OK, I have to question Professor X's strategy in this game of Red Rover. He has Jubilee going up against Juggernaut.

If you were playing to win, wouldn't you put the tiny teenage girl against the equally tiny pink guy as opposed to the unstoppable avatar of Cyttorak? Then, maybe you could swap in Rogue against their powerhouse.

I have two theories here. One, Professor X dislikes Jubilee as much as most of us and is serving her up as a sacrificial lamb. Two, Xavier's trying to tank the season so he can pick first during the next Red Rover draft.

Pick this guy.

The most important thing to remember about the title sequence is that it is dynamic. You can tell it's dynamic because everyone's radiating electricity and everything explodes.

Even the logo.

Also remember that none of this dynamism accurately reflects who the X-Men are or what they do once the theme music stops.

They too spend a lot of times in caucus.