Night of the Sentinels Part One

X-Men: The Animated Series was a lot of kid's introduction to the X-Men.

Yes, the comics had already existed for more than 20 years and there was Pryde of the X-Men, which some people had on VHS. (Nothing moves the Blob.)

But neither the comics nor Pryde had the ubiquity of Saturday morning cartoons.

Since 1992, there have been four different X-Men cartoons and five more movies. (X-Men Origins: Wolverine never happened.) Consequently, the average American can probably name twice as many X-Men as they can Supreme Court justices.

But there was a time when kids didn't all know Wolverine, Storm, Cyclops et. al. And, as I said before, the awareness started for a lot of kids with this show.

So how does Night of the Sentinels open? With Wolverine? Professor Xavier? Perhaps an iconic villain like Magneto or Apocalypse.

Nope, Jubilee. Oh, you've never heard of her? She's basically a character from Mallrats with sparkle powers.

In the comics, she exists because Kitty Pryde got too old for Wolverine to baby-sit; and, because someone in the Marvel office thinks Wolverine is adorable when paired with spunky teenage sidekicks, they created Jubilee to replace her.

So she's basically the Cousin Oliver of the X-Men.

And while it would be easy to mock the creators of X-Men: TAS for opening with a D-lister or (contrarily) laud them for introducing a point-of-view character that kids could relate to, I opt to do neither.

Instead, I just want to talk about Jubilee's outfit.

The 90s called... on an enormous cell phone... and said "rad."

Everything about this outfit is incredible. The sunglasses match the turtleneck. The rubber gloves match the raincoat which matches the belt buckle. And, you can't tell from this picture, but the jean shorts match the apparently denim boots.

I hope this makes you love Jubilee. Because it won't be her personality or skill set.

So Jubilee runs away from home because her foster parents found out she's a mutant and they don't know how to deal with it.

Little do they know... Jubilee's being followed.

When people say Santa watches you while you're sleeping, this is what I imagine.

Those are the evil glowing red eyes of a Sentinel, a robot designed to track and capture mutants. The most important thing to know about Sentinels is -- even though they are 30 feet tall and bright red and pink -- nobody ever notices them.

Somehow, these building-sized robots are ambush masters. As we'll see.

Also, they hate doors.

So Jubilee evades the door-hating Sentinel by not being home. And, if Jubilee isn't home, where is she?

Not the way you're supposed to blow the cartridge.

That's right, Robin Scherbatsky, she's at the mall.

And, because Jubilee is the early 1990s distilled into an animated character, she's in an arcade. (Thank goodness for Wreck-It Ralph or my as-yet-unborn children wouldn't know what an arcade is.)

So Jubilee accidentally uses her sparkle powers to destroy a game. And the arcade owner, distraught at his financial loss, asks Jubilee if she knows "how much that game costs?"

Jubilee coolly swigs from her soda and replies, "Yeah, a quarter."

Swiggin', brah.

The arcade owner, unamused by her jests, kicks her out. And she coincidentally runs into two X-Women on a mall run.

Do you see Storm's lightning-bolt earrings? Those are so beyond swag they have reached the realm of "aura."

Which is good because that Sentinel is back.

And he is not using your door.

So the Sentinel tries to kidnap Jubilee again, but now she's got two Rogue and Storm with her.

It's easiest to explain what happens next in photos, so we're going the picture-book route for a moment.

Storm is not amused.

First, Rogue and Storm realize their shopping trip is ruined.

Storm invented monologuing.

Then Storm warns the robot to step off.

Without watching the episode, I can tell you her exact words. She says, "Storm, mistress of the elements, orders you to release that child."

After which, Rogue encourages Storm to "lighten up on the speeches, sugar." If you've ever seen a single episode of this show, then you know Storm ignores Rogue's advice.

 A brief note. Storm is listed as 5'11'' and 127 pounds. Taking into account that every body is different, the weight range considered healthy for a woman of Storm's height is between 143 and 178 pounds.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, we should be worried about Storm.

When the robot ignores Storm's warning, she somehow changes her clothing using lightning.

Once again, this was many children's introduction to the X-Men, including my own. So I assumed that part of Storm's mutant powers was that she could magically change her clothing.

Later, this would play a key role in some stories when my family would play with our X-Men action figures.

For example, Storm would need the keys to the doohickey that will stop Magneto's evil machine from making it snow at the beach; but she left it in her other fashionable pantsuit. So what is she to do?

She magically transform her uniform into her pantsuit, which still has the keys in her pocket.

And the day is saved.

Next, Storm uses lightning to free Jubilee from the robot's grip; and that somehow doesn't kill Jubilee. Even though she's surrounded by metal -- metal that just got hit with enough electricity to rupture an enormous coil.

Dear Rogue, I love your headband. I am not being sarcastic.

Then Rogue punches the holy hell out of the robot.

Unfortunately, the combined efforts of Rogue and Storm are not enough.

Fortunately, this must be the X-Men's shopping day because another teammate is nearby.

Unfortunately, that teammate is Gambit.

Hey, Gambit, how can you help? Are you going to use your superpowers to kinetically charge the very ground the sentinel is walking on and, thus, blow him up?

Oh, you're going to throw a card at him. How do you think that's going to work out?

Exactly.

How ineffective is Gambit? So ineffective that Jubilee actually contributes more to the fight than him.

Wait. Do the sparkles come out of her hands or gloves? If it's her hands, how has she not burned her gloves off? Or her hands, for that matter?

So Jubilee uses her sparkle powers and then flees to the parking lot, where the robot follows.

You couldn't even go through the same window as before. You had to break another window.

The sentinel gasses Jubilee. But, before he can nab her, Cyclops shows up and blasts the robot to kingdom come with one shot.

Still a tool.

So, if we're rating the X-Men's relative worth, the equation looks something like this:

Cyclops > Rogue & Storm > Jubilee > Gambit.

Congratulations, Jubilee, one mission in and you're already better than Gambit. Bad news: You're not climbing too much higher on the Power Rankings.

When Jubilee regains consciousness, she is in the X-mansion. She sneaks out of her hospital bed and peeks in on a few previously unintroduced teammates.

This is Beast. The first words out of his mouth are, "It would be disconcerting if this were to detonate -- disconcerting, yet provocative."

He's not talking to anyone. He thinks he's alone. Yet he still feels the need to haul out the $5 words like "disconcerting" and "provocative." He sounds like that 6-year-old who just learned a new impressive-sounding word and he's going to use it regardless of whether or not its apropos.

"It would be gymnasium if this were to detonate, gymnasium but monogamous."

Maybe if Morph would have spent more time training and less time watching TV, he would have lived to see the second episode.

This is Morph. I don't think it's spoiling too much to tell you that he's not long for this world.

You can tell because he's wearing the generic blue and yellow uniform. It's the X-Men equivalent of a redshirt.

Professor Xavier has angry eyebrows.

Then Jubilee sees Xavier and Jean Grey.

I don't want to dwell on them because...

Shit just got real.

Jubilee stumbles upon the Danger Room, the X-Men's training facility. She finds Wolverine and Gambit sparring and misinterprets the situation.

Wolverine quickly gets the best of Gambit. (Duh.) But then Jubilee intervenes.

F'real, Wolverine sold that hit like a Dolph Ziggler.

For comparison purposes.

So the updated Power Rankings: Cyclops > Rogue & Storm > Jubilee > Wolverine > Gambit.

At this point, the team is introduced to Jubilee. Wolverine agrees not to skewer her, Storm gives a long-winded monologue about embracing powers and blah-blah-blah -- MISSION TIME!

The X-Men are going to break into the Mutant Control Agency -- an independent business that is providing information to the Sentinels. Their logic: they destroy the information; the Sentinels won't be able to find mutants.

However, while the X-Men are talking, Jubilee slips away to check on her foster parents.

But she gets ambushed... because she doesn't notice a 30-foot robot.

Sentinels are sneaky.

Wolverine decides to go after Jubilee. Cyclops tells Wolverine to focus on the mission.

Wolverine tells Cyclops where he can shove it. Then, he shoves Gambit for good measure.

This is the exact sort of behavior that makes the X-Mansion a hostile workplace.

So the X-Men, sans Wolverine, leave for the Mutant Control Agency. They use the mission as an opportunity to reminisce.

Rogue recalls how she discovered her power, which is to drain the power and life force of a person through skin-to-skin contact.

Her first boyfriend kissed her and spent three days in a coma.

Totally worth it.

 Also, Gambit gets hit by a tree branch.

 

That makes the Power Rankings: Cyclops > Rogue & Storm > Jubilee > Wolverine = Tree Branch > Gambit.

Next, Wolverine returns empty-handed; so he, Beast, Storm and Morph can break into the building. The rest of the X-Men will stay behind as serve as backup, if needed.

You break my window, I slash your door.

We don't get too far into this caper in Part One. Two things happen that bear mentioning.

One, Beast quotes Coventry Patmore while shutting down the building's security system. (And there is no freaking way I would know who Coventry Patmore was if it were not for the X-Men.)

"A minor poet for a minor obstacle."

Two, Morph speaks the words that guarantee his death.

"It looks like smooth sailing from here."

Either the Mutant Control Agency is guarded by redheaded triplets, or the character designer for this show got lazy.

See you in Part Two.