X-Men: The Animated Series -- The Title Sequence.

 You probably found this blog out of a sense of nostalgia. (Either that or you got lost on your way to the pornography.)

Somebody said, "I go where I want to go," and a wave of memories washed over you, forcing you to Google things like "X-Men cartoon," "Wolverine quotes" or "Gambit does not make TV dinners." But not "Morlock Christmas." Never "Morlock Christmas."

Never forget.

And it brought you here.

So you think, "I watched the cartoon as a kid. I have a passing familiarity with X-Men lore. I'm ready for the heavily annotated version of X-Men: The Animated Series."

But you're not.

I mean, we're dealing with some profound stuff here. We're talking layers on layers on layers. So before we get into "Night of the Sentinels" or that one episode where Jubilee spends that whole time complaining, you should consider the title sequence.

You may start humming the theme song now.

In 1992, this was pretty much my introduction to the X-Men. (I may have had some trading cards first. The timeline is fuzzy. I think I owned the cards first, but why would I buy the cards without the cartoon to indoctrinate me?)

So, basically, I was dependent on the title sequence to explain to me who the X-Men were and what they could do.

And, boy, did it steer me wrong.

This title sequence is a House of Lies -- a ridiculously awesome House of Lies.

We open with some establishing shots of Rogue and Storm flying alongside the Blackbird. The takeaway for a 7-year-old kid: These are the X-Men. Two of them can fly. So far, so good.

But then things started get confusing when we got to the typical roll call.

Your reaction when they cancelled Firefly.

First we meet Cyclops. The title sequence accurately displays him as shooting blasty things out of his eyes. But it also shows him being all tortured and alone on a mountaintop.

I hope you like this mountaintop, because you're going to see a lot of it.

So one could rationally assume from this imagery that Cyclops is some kind of angsty badass. Except he's not. He's a pedantic older brother mixed with an office dullard.

It would be more accurate to show him shuffling through paperwork, chastising Jubilee for running in the halls or explaining garbage-disposal etiquette to Beast.

 

Speaking of angsty badasses...

This is Wolverine. He's the reason that 90 percent of you are here. You already know his spiel -- big claws, heals fast, likes beer, goes where he wants to go.

And according to this title sequence, he shoots electricity from his claws.

Maybe I was an especially stupid child -- there is abundant evidence for this -- but I assumed that, because he did it at the beginning of every X-Men episode, Wolverine could generate wavy sparkle lines from his claws.

This got me in trouble on the playground a couple of times. A group of kids would be playing X-Men -- if you've never played playground X-Men, it's just a bunch of kids pretending to punch each other and screaming, "No, I'm Wolverine" -- and I'd be Wolverine (like every other kid) and I'd shoot electricity at some other Wolverine.

Then Other Wolverine would be like, "You can't shoot electricity. You can't be Wolverine and Storm."

And I'd be like, "Wolverine can do it to. It's in the cartoon."

So then we'd have to convene The Playground X-Men Caucus (also known as The Council of Wolverines and, maybe, One Rogue if Jessica Feels Like Playing Today) to discuss if the cartoon precedent withheld scrutiny.

(Like most playground games, X-Men was surprisingly bureaucratic and ended in caucuses far more often than melees.)

Ultimately, I was found to be in the wrong and received a demerit, meaning that I would have to be Gambit the next time we played. (The ultimate punishment was Professor X. You just sat there and thought really hard while the other kids ignored you.)

And we're back on the mountaintop.

This is Storm. She makes it rain on these hoes.

This is also the only time you'll see her use her powers without an explanatory monologue.

Who wears a belt with a bodysuit?

This is Rogue. If you are a heterosexual male, homosexual female or a bisexual either, you probably had a crush on her. (If you are a homosexual male or a heterosexual female, you probably still had a crush on Rogue.)

And what makes Rogue so appealing? The beguiling Southern accent? The headband? The skunk streak in her hair?

Yes, and --

That's right. She single-handedly busts up three-story robots. She's a beautiful bruiser -- like Wonder Woman with better hair and a less strippery costume. (Well, depending on who is drawing her.)

And -- seriously, guys -- did you see that headband?

This is Jubilee. While Rogue can destroy brobdingnagian robots by her lonesome, Jubilee is stymied by a fence.

That is all you need to know about Jubilee.

This man does not make TV dinners.

This is Gambit. You'd assume from the above photo that he can fly.

You'd be wrong. Remember, the title sequence is a lie.

Instead, Gambit can make playing cards explode with his hands. Actually, he can make anything explode just by touching it, but he always chooses to use playing cards; because what's the point of turning basketballs into bombs when you can carry around cards and make bad puns about them all the time?

All the freaking time!

Jean Grey's power is triangle.

You thought Jubilee was going to have the worst codename right?

Nope, there's Jean Grey. The sad thing is that's still a step up from her former nom de guerre of Marvel Girl.

She does stuff with her brain, but her most important function is that of the third point in a love triangle with Cyclops and Wolverine.

Wolverine's better looking but Cyclops has better credit.

Yeah, who could choose, right?

If he'd just finished that last semester, he could have been Dr. X.

I understand that telepathy is difficult to depict visually, but what is Professor X doing here. Using echolocation?

So Professor Xavier the leader of the X-Men. You can tell because they're named after him. If Cyclops were the leader, they'd be called the Eye Guys; Jubilee, the Mallrats; Jean Grey, something overly literal like Group of Colleagues who each Have a Genetic Mutation that Imbued them with Unusual and Unique Abilities that Are Sometimes Employed in the Thwarting of Evil.

That's everybody on the team... wait. What? I forgot Beast?

This is Beast. He needs glasses to read.

The title sequence ends with a symbolic game of Red Rover between the X-Men and the evil mutants led by Magneto.

Magneto was right

First, let's see the sequence in real time.

Now, let's break down the play by play.

Wait? Are they making Mystique play Red Rover in heels?

This is the villains' defensive line. It's comprised mostly of recognizable X-Men foes. In addition to Magneto, they are (from left to right) Juggernaut, Thunderbird, some pink guy, Pyro, Mystique, Sabretooth and Avalanche.

However, there's some oddities here. First off, Thunderbird's not a bad guy in the comics (or any other depiction of the X-Men.)

He's an Apache who got recruited by the X-Men around the same time as Wolverine and Storm but soon thereafter died saving his teammates from the U-Men. (I have no idea what the "U" stands for and I refuse to check.)

So Thunderbird just got downgraded from heroic martyr to nameless lackey in a title sequence.

And that's still better than most depictions of Native Americans in entertainment.

Never forget.

Also I have no clue who that pink guy is.

On closer examination, Mystique seems to be playing in ballet slippers.

OK, I have to question Professor X's strategy in this game of Red Rover. He has Jubilee going up against Juggernaut.

If you were playing to win, wouldn't you put the tiny teenage girl against the equally tiny pink guy as opposed to the unstoppable avatar of Cyttorak? Then, maybe you could swap in Rogue against their powerhouse.

I have two theories here. One, Professor X dislikes Jubilee as much as most of us and is serving her up as a sacrificial lamb. Two, Xavier's trying to tank the season so he can pick first during the next Red Rover draft.

Pick this guy.

The most important thing to remember about the title sequence is that it is dynamic. You can tell it's dynamic because everyone's radiating electricity and everything explodes.

Even the logo.

Also remember that none of this dynamism accurately reflects who the X-Men are or what they do once the theme music stops.

They too spend a lot of times in caucus.