Night of the Sentinels Part Two

So we're back where we left off.

The X-Men are breaking into the Mutant Control Agency because they're behind the evil, mutant-napping Sentinel robots.

Storm, Wolverine, Beast and Morph are doing the actual burglarizing while Cyclops, Rogue and Gambit wait outside.

"Wait, a minute?" you say. "I know my X-Men. I've heard of Wolverine and Cyclops and Storm and the rest of them, but who the hell is Morph?"

See that guy who can't even walk through a freaking door without hurting himself? That's Morph. He's loosely based on the comic book character Changeling.

In the comics, Professor X had Changeling pose as him for awhile. During that time, Changeling died and everyone freaked out because they thought he was Professor X.

Professor X came back later and was all like, "It's OK. I understand someone died, but that person wasn't me so it's all right."

The moral of the story:

In television -- much as in the comics -- Morph exists as cannon fodder.

In fact, he'll be dead in about eight paragraphs; so don't get attached.

Shouldn't be difficult.

Back in the Mutant Control Agency, Storm's about to open a door with guards behind it.

Either these guards are standing very close together or someone is holding three guns.

But Wolverine smells gun powder so Storm adjusts her tactics.

Meanwhile, outside, the other X-Men fight anonymously evil henchmen who look like Samus from Metroid.

Beneath the layers of body armor is a pretty blonde.

Storm's team finds the files on mutants and starts to destroy them.

Way to contribute, Morph.

Beast's job is to destroy the computer files. When Storm tells him to hurry up, Beast replies, "Though I am always in haste, I am never in a hurry."

He's quoting John Wesley, a Christian theologian and one of the founders of the Methodist movement. But want to know what's crazy about that?

That's right. John Wesley's a mutant.

Storm isn't amused by Beast's quote and decides to spur him along.

You know you're long-winded when STORM tells you to quit monologuing.

With the files destroyed, the X-Men try to escape. However, they are stifled by some guards and a scuffle ensues.

During the melee, Rogue has an interesting interaction with one of the guards.

First, an Afro-American guard with black hair begins to topple from a sentry tower toward the ground.

So Rogue catches him.

The flight scares him so much that his hair changes color.

By the time Rogue drops the guard on the ground he's a white guy with red hair.

So in addition to super-strength, flight, invulnerability and the ability to drain people's life force, Rogue can also turn black people white.

Maybe that's what happened to Sammy Sosa.

The X-Men have the guards beat, but then their reinforcements show up.

Their enormous robot reinforcements.

The Sentinels dead Morph with one shot; and, while we don't see the kill shot, we do see what the Sentinels do to Beast...

This is the stuff of nightmares.

And what they do to Wolverine.

In short, the X-Men are getting their collective asses whipped, so Cyclops orders for them to retreat.

Wolverine disagrees with this command decision. Despite the fact he just got chucked like a Frisbee, Wolverine thinks they should go back for Beast and Morph.

When Cyclops refuses, Wolverine decides to go back by himself.

However, if you remember our X-Men Power Rankings, Wolverine falls somewhere between Gambit and a tree branch when it comes to fighting acumen; so it only takes one touch from Rogue to drop him.

I wonder if Wolverine also looked like Ron Weasley when Rogue was finished.

The X-Men return home -- sans Beast and Morph -- and Wolverine tries to find an appropriate way to express his disappointment with team leader, Cyclops.

The greatest GIF in X-Men history.

Not finished, Wolverine decides to pimp Cyclops' ride.

"Tell Cyclops I made him a convertible."

While Wolverine broods, we find out what's been happening with Jubilee since she was kidnapped last episode.

It's not good. She's been kidnapped by the evil, Sentinel-making bigots behind the Mutant Control Agency. And it gets worse.

She's in Detroit.

(I apologize for that lazy and unfair shot at Detroit. I love both the city and its people. Detroit is America and to mock its struggles is to lack empathy for an entire country of struggling blue-collar workers. Screw the Red Wings though.)

Cyclops realizes that he has failed his team, so he hatches a new plan to rescue Jubilee and avenge his lost teammates.

He begins by visiting Jubilee's foster parents. They are surprised that Jubilee has been kidnapped by Sentinels, even though the robots punched a hole in the second story of their home during the last episode.

Seriously, what did they think made this hole?

Not realizing the Mutant Control Agency is evil, Jubilee's foster father calls them and says another mutant has been asking about Jubilee.

Consequently, a Sentinel shows up. But this time Cyclops is ready.

Is it just me or is Cyclops a lot cooler since Wolverine made him a convertible?

He damages the Sentinel, which goes back to its headquarters for repairs; and the X-Men follow it on their radar.

Radar, puddle -- whatever.

This damaged Sentinel is the Morph of robots; because it too cannot handle something as simple as entering a room.

"It looks like smooth sailing from here."

The mechanical failure allows Jubilee to escape her cell and gives the X-Men the distraction they need to attack.

And they waste little time getting their revenge.

This might be Storm's greatest moment. She electrocutes the loving spoonful out of a half dozen Sentinels and doesn't stop once to explain what she's doing.

Meanwhile, Rogue demonstrates the proper technique for a hip-tossing a 30-foot robot.

Even Gambit contributes.

In a sleazy uncle kind of way.

So while Storm, Rogue and Cyclops are blasting through legions of robots and Gambit is skeezing on a barely pubescent girl, Wolverine takes down a single Sentinel.

Just one.

And, while he's doing it, he screams, "This is for you, Morph!"

"Not you, Beast, just Morph."

That's the equivalent of a third stringer doing an elaborate touchdown dance in the fourth quarter after the starters have already run up the score.

You really want to do something for Morph? Punch Cyclops again.

Next time, use your claws.

So the X-Men trounce the Sentinels and rescue Jubilee. And, to top it all of, the Mutant Control Agency loses its government funding and decides to relocate overseas.

The funding thing happened in an entirely different plot line that I didn't feel the need to recap, because it didn't involve Cyclops getting punched.

Afterward, Jubilee tells her foster parents that she wants to move in with the X-Men, because they can help her with her mutant powers.

"Also, mom, I kinda made out with a 32-year-old Cajun guy."

Her foster parents ask if she'll ever visit them and she promises she will.

And that was the last we ever saw of Jubilee's foster parents.

That's the story of how Jubilee moved into the X-Mansion.

A house that gets attacked so often they put a target on the freakin' door.

I conclude this recap with a montage of X-Men reacting to Morph's death.

 

This was my reaction too, Rogue.

Night of the Sentinels Part One

X-Men: The Animated Series was a lot of kid's introduction to the X-Men.

Yes, the comics had already existed for more than 20 years and there was Pryde of the X-Men, which some people had on VHS. (Nothing moves the Blob.)

But neither the comics nor Pryde had the ubiquity of Saturday morning cartoons.

Since 1992, there have been four different X-Men cartoons and five more movies. (X-Men Origins: Wolverine never happened.) Consequently, the average American can probably name twice as many X-Men as they can Supreme Court justices.

But there was a time when kids didn't all know Wolverine, Storm, Cyclops et. al. And, as I said before, the awareness started for a lot of kids with this show.

So how does Night of the Sentinels open? With Wolverine? Professor Xavier? Perhaps an iconic villain like Magneto or Apocalypse.

Nope, Jubilee. Oh, you've never heard of her? She's basically a character from Mallrats with sparkle powers.

In the comics, she exists because Kitty Pryde got too old for Wolverine to baby-sit; and, because someone in the Marvel office thinks Wolverine is adorable when paired with spunky teenage sidekicks, they created Jubilee to replace her.

So she's basically the Cousin Oliver of the X-Men.

And while it would be easy to mock the creators of X-Men: TAS for opening with a D-lister or (contrarily) laud them for introducing a point-of-view character that kids could relate to, I opt to do neither.

Instead, I just want to talk about Jubilee's outfit.

The 90s called... on an enormous cell phone... and said "rad."

Everything about this outfit is incredible. The sunglasses match the turtleneck. The rubber gloves match the raincoat which matches the belt buckle. And, you can't tell from this picture, but the jean shorts match the apparently denim boots.

I hope this makes you love Jubilee. Because it won't be her personality or skill set.

So Jubilee runs away from home because her foster parents found out she's a mutant and they don't know how to deal with it.

Little do they know... Jubilee's being followed.

When people say Santa watches you while you're sleeping, this is what I imagine.

Those are the evil glowing red eyes of a Sentinel, a robot designed to track and capture mutants. The most important thing to know about Sentinels is -- even though they are 30 feet tall and bright red and pink -- nobody ever notices them.

Somehow, these building-sized robots are ambush masters. As we'll see.

Also, they hate doors.

So Jubilee evades the door-hating Sentinel by not being home. And, if Jubilee isn't home, where is she?

Not the way you're supposed to blow the cartridge.

That's right, Robin Scherbatsky, she's at the mall.

And, because Jubilee is the early 1990s distilled into an animated character, she's in an arcade. (Thank goodness for Wreck-It Ralph or my as-yet-unborn children wouldn't know what an arcade is.)

So Jubilee accidentally uses her sparkle powers to destroy a game. And the arcade owner, distraught at his financial loss, asks Jubilee if she knows "how much that game costs?"

Jubilee coolly swigs from her soda and replies, "Yeah, a quarter."

Swiggin', brah.

The arcade owner, unamused by her jests, kicks her out. And she coincidentally runs into two X-Women on a mall run.

Do you see Storm's lightning-bolt earrings? Those are so beyond swag they have reached the realm of "aura."

Which is good because that Sentinel is back.

And he is not using your door.

So the Sentinel tries to kidnap Jubilee again, but now she's got two Rogue and Storm with her.

It's easiest to explain what happens next in photos, so we're going the picture-book route for a moment.

Storm is not amused.

First, Rogue and Storm realize their shopping trip is ruined.

Storm invented monologuing.

Then Storm warns the robot to step off.

Without watching the episode, I can tell you her exact words. She says, "Storm, mistress of the elements, orders you to release that child."

After which, Rogue encourages Storm to "lighten up on the speeches, sugar." If you've ever seen a single episode of this show, then you know Storm ignores Rogue's advice.

 A brief note. Storm is listed as 5'11'' and 127 pounds. Taking into account that every body is different, the weight range considered healthy for a woman of Storm's height is between 143 and 178 pounds.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, we should be worried about Storm.

When the robot ignores Storm's warning, she somehow changes her clothing using lightning.

Once again, this was many children's introduction to the X-Men, including my own. So I assumed that part of Storm's mutant powers was that she could magically change her clothing.

Later, this would play a key role in some stories when my family would play with our X-Men action figures.

For example, Storm would need the keys to the doohickey that will stop Magneto's evil machine from making it snow at the beach; but she left it in her other fashionable pantsuit. So what is she to do?

She magically transform her uniform into her pantsuit, which still has the keys in her pocket.

And the day is saved.

Next, Storm uses lightning to free Jubilee from the robot's grip; and that somehow doesn't kill Jubilee. Even though she's surrounded by metal -- metal that just got hit with enough electricity to rupture an enormous coil.

Dear Rogue, I love your headband. I am not being sarcastic.

Then Rogue punches the holy hell out of the robot.

Unfortunately, the combined efforts of Rogue and Storm are not enough.

Fortunately, this must be the X-Men's shopping day because another teammate is nearby.

Unfortunately, that teammate is Gambit.

Hey, Gambit, how can you help? Are you going to use your superpowers to kinetically charge the very ground the sentinel is walking on and, thus, blow him up?

Oh, you're going to throw a card at him. How do you think that's going to work out?

Exactly.

How ineffective is Gambit? So ineffective that Jubilee actually contributes more to the fight than him.

Wait. Do the sparkles come out of her hands or gloves? If it's her hands, how has she not burned her gloves off? Or her hands, for that matter?

So Jubilee uses her sparkle powers and then flees to the parking lot, where the robot follows.

You couldn't even go through the same window as before. You had to break another window.

The sentinel gasses Jubilee. But, before he can nab her, Cyclops shows up and blasts the robot to kingdom come with one shot.

Still a tool.

So, if we're rating the X-Men's relative worth, the equation looks something like this:

Cyclops > Rogue & Storm > Jubilee > Gambit.

Congratulations, Jubilee, one mission in and you're already better than Gambit. Bad news: You're not climbing too much higher on the Power Rankings.

When Jubilee regains consciousness, she is in the X-mansion. She sneaks out of her hospital bed and peeks in on a few previously unintroduced teammates.

This is Beast. The first words out of his mouth are, "It would be disconcerting if this were to detonate -- disconcerting, yet provocative."

He's not talking to anyone. He thinks he's alone. Yet he still feels the need to haul out the $5 words like "disconcerting" and "provocative." He sounds like that 6-year-old who just learned a new impressive-sounding word and he's going to use it regardless of whether or not its apropos.

"It would be gymnasium if this were to detonate, gymnasium but monogamous."

Maybe if Morph would have spent more time training and less time watching TV, he would have lived to see the second episode.

This is Morph. I don't think it's spoiling too much to tell you that he's not long for this world.

You can tell because he's wearing the generic blue and yellow uniform. It's the X-Men equivalent of a redshirt.

Professor Xavier has angry eyebrows.

Then Jubilee sees Xavier and Jean Grey.

I don't want to dwell on them because...

Shit just got real.

Jubilee stumbles upon the Danger Room, the X-Men's training facility. She finds Wolverine and Gambit sparring and misinterprets the situation.

Wolverine quickly gets the best of Gambit. (Duh.) But then Jubilee intervenes.

F'real, Wolverine sold that hit like a Dolph Ziggler.

For comparison purposes.

So the updated Power Rankings: Cyclops > Rogue & Storm > Jubilee > Wolverine > Gambit.

At this point, the team is introduced to Jubilee. Wolverine agrees not to skewer her, Storm gives a long-winded monologue about embracing powers and blah-blah-blah -- MISSION TIME!

The X-Men are going to break into the Mutant Control Agency -- an independent business that is providing information to the Sentinels. Their logic: they destroy the information; the Sentinels won't be able to find mutants.

However, while the X-Men are talking, Jubilee slips away to check on her foster parents.

But she gets ambushed... because she doesn't notice a 30-foot robot.

Sentinels are sneaky.

Wolverine decides to go after Jubilee. Cyclops tells Wolverine to focus on the mission.

Wolverine tells Cyclops where he can shove it. Then, he shoves Gambit for good measure.

This is the exact sort of behavior that makes the X-Mansion a hostile workplace.

So the X-Men, sans Wolverine, leave for the Mutant Control Agency. They use the mission as an opportunity to reminisce.

Rogue recalls how she discovered her power, which is to drain the power and life force of a person through skin-to-skin contact.

Her first boyfriend kissed her and spent three days in a coma.

Totally worth it.

 Also, Gambit gets hit by a tree branch.

 

That makes the Power Rankings: Cyclops > Rogue & Storm > Jubilee > Wolverine = Tree Branch > Gambit.

Next, Wolverine returns empty-handed; so he, Beast, Storm and Morph can break into the building. The rest of the X-Men will stay behind as serve as backup, if needed.

You break my window, I slash your door.

We don't get too far into this caper in Part One. Two things happen that bear mentioning.

One, Beast quotes Coventry Patmore while shutting down the building's security system. (And there is no freaking way I would know who Coventry Patmore was if it were not for the X-Men.)

"A minor poet for a minor obstacle."

Two, Morph speaks the words that guarantee his death.

"It looks like smooth sailing from here."

Either the Mutant Control Agency is guarded by redheaded triplets, or the character designer for this show got lazy.

See you in Part Two.